the thing is,

here is the thing…
you’re in my head, my heart, my soul
it hurts the marrow in my bones

and maybe it’s not you at all
rather the idea of it —
love at first laugh, I mean.

It got to be so bad, didn’t it?
All the anger and fights
fleeing, and the time I yelled at you
to get the fuck out of my car.

But I mostly just remember instead
the silent way the snow fell as we
kissed
on the nineteenth of December.

it’s infinite

And this is my thought—

that I will die alone surrounded by cats
after a lifetime of watching as everyone around me is
enveloped in love and achievement
while I whither on the vine
a spinster, a hag, has-been who never really was.

So I’ve relived that sweltering June afternoon in Arlington Cemetery
a hundred times, maybe more
as we hiked the hill and saw Washington’s monument
eyes filled with tears, drenched in rain or sweat or both
and that day was hard but
filled with possibility
as I drove away from you, soonafter that city
sad, but confident thinking I’d never look back
… not once.

But I was 23 then, 25 now and in hindsight I know
when I drove away it was
without direction, speeding along
not bothering with maps
and here I am
floating in an infinite abyss.

gift wrapped love

I hardly know me as I stare into the
mirror, streaked with flecks of dust and
smears from all the times I
rubbed the foggy glass
One year and five months ago
I packed it all to move to the
marble city,
only to find myself back in the apple
taking a bite, maybe more than I
could chew,
my chest rising and falling with short breaths
with the pain from the
hollow parts of my heart
where you used to hide for
All the landmarks of this city
remind me of you and all the hope
for ever afters over whiskey drinks
and cozy donut shops
Christmas trees and mittened hands
held, gift wrapped
love — you were the most welcome present, only
present in yesterdays.